single motherhood

#MicroblogMondays: The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Waiting by Edgar Degas

Waiting by Edgar Degas

Tom Petty was right, waiting sucks. I’m waiting on what feels like a million things right now.

Waiting for more time.

Waiting for some quiet, some peace.

Waiting for healing.

Waiting for answers.

Most pressing on my mind right now is my waiting to hear back from the doctor. My youngest has an apparent compression fracture and needs an MRI to confirm and proceed with treatment. She is in pain and we’ve just been getting through the days of discomfort as best we can. Pain plus boredom can quickly breed sadness and anger. I’ve been trying to keep her spirits up with plenty of hugs and whatever I can come up with to get her mind elsewhere. (Special thanks to video and board game creators, movie makers, authors, singers and songwriters. Also, coloring books, television, Mother Nature, and candy!)

At night, I dream of vacations and extended moments to myself. I imagine writing, reading, sleeping in, exploring… Oh, to be alone with my thoughts! And without the creeping worries that have followed me around as of late? What would that even be like? I have no clue. It’s nice to consider, for a moment, until reality slaps me right back into place. Did I mention my $900 in car repairs I found out about last week? I nearly made a joke about the camel and its broken back, but it was too close to home. Sigh.

The past few months have been so rough, I can’t help but wonder when the clouds will lift. I want magical band-aids to make all the woes and pains of my children to go away. I’m an optimist struggling to keep things afloat. I hope that along with spring slowly making its way to us, so will easier, quieter, calmer, happier times for us. Until then…

Special thanks, as always, to Stirrup Queens. I was sifting through medical bills and waiting for a doctor’s call, when I remembered it was Monday, and that means time to microblog! I feel better having put these words (more than 8 sentences…) down.


On (Absent) Father’s Day

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I am grateful for my dad, who is still around and plays an active role in my life, and that of my children. I was mindful of all who no longer have a father around. This Tumblr comic was encouraging. I thought mostly about the children whose fathers are not there by choice. Sadly, there are many. Father’s Day weekend is tricky for single moms who are doing it on their own. It’s a day that brings up questions, and can be downright painful for kids who see the activities going on around them, and they are still left without their dad. It’s complicated. (more…)

Some days peanuts, some days shells…

Lately, I’ve been struggling. Emotionally, I’m trying to stay afloat. I have what feels like the weight of the universe on my shoulders. I’d dare to say that only those that are raising their kids alone will truly understand. For those who don’t know, imagine feeling like you’re constantly having to be everywhere doing everything all at once. From paying the bills to making lunches to fixing “boo-boos” to carpools to, well, everything else. Right now, I’m unemployed. I’ve been looking for a job since December; sending out my resume is just depressing at this point. I need to find a job that, hopefully, will have benefits for me. The kids have insurance; I still lack healthcare however. I need a job where I make more than minimum wage, and that doesn’t require me to work nights or weekends; affordable childcare outside of the normal 9-5 workweek does not exist. (more…)

#SingleMomProblems: Life, Work, & Benefits

This is partly an off-shoot of my prior discussions regarding the fiscal cliff and women, and partly a vent. Four years ago I found myself back in New Jersey, where I grew up, starting a new life. In nearly every way, this was a good thing. One exception was my lack of healthcare. I looked at various options, and paying for my own insurance was not something I could afford. At the time I was attending school, and even through the college the only insurance I was eligible for was “accident insurance.” I never fully understood how much was covered and how much help it would have been had I utilized its benefits, but it was only for certain types of accidents. I finally decided to go to Planned Parenthood since I was due for my yearly exam and I knew that was the only place I could actually afford to do so. There I was, at 31 years of age going to Planned Parenthood for the first time. I’ve been going there for my yearly exams since. As I said previously, it’s my sole assurance that I’m in good health. I am a freelancer, mostly in the field of art and writing, but I’ve also worked with special-needs children. None of my jobs have included benefits of any kind.

Some may say the simple solution is then for me to shut up and get a traditional job with benefits and be done with this whole discussion. That’s not so simple. For starters, I was out of the workplace for ten years as I was a stay-at-home mom. This was the first strike against me, followed by my lack of a college degree, which I’m still working toward. Essentially the jobs I’m most capable of getting are in the retail sector and involve committing to nights and weekends. This is not an option as childcare during those hours is impossible to find, let alone afford. The other issue with such jobs is that most will only hire you for up to 39 hours so they do not have to offer you benefits. Oh, and the pay? As low as $7.25 an hour. I would be paying a sitter more to watch my kids than I was actually earning each hour I worked. That simply doesn’t compute. As a freelancer, I have a higher hourly pay and am able to be there for my kids. It’s seemingly the best of all words–if only the work was more guaranteed and health benefits were affordable.

I am a single mom raising two young children on my own. I don’t have the luxury of having every other weekend and a weeknight or two each week free to work. I am the only parent available when the school nurse calls to say one of my kids is sick. I’m the only one able to take them to a doctor’s appointment or care for them while they are ill. To further complicate things, my youngest child has some special needs. She is currently mainstreamed in school, only receiving speech therapy for her articulation disorder; she has come far and continues to make progress. She is still followed by a couple of specialists, but thankfully many of her health problems have improved with age. She had a feeding tube until a year and a half ago, just as an example of how severe her conditions were and how recent. Two of her major issues now are migraines and a weaker immune system. Because of this, she misses more days of school than the average child, almost fifty last year in fact. I am unable to have a traditional 40-hour a week job outside of the home because of this. Every time I consider taking a more traditional job, I’m reminded of how frequently I need to stay home and care for her, and of course the times her sister is sick as well. No employer would allow someone three, four, or more days off each month for this. Simply put, my options are limited.

Strictly speaking in terms of medical coverage, it’s something that becomes a greater priority with each passing day. I feel like my health is a ticking time bomb at this point. I’ve been lucky in the past couple of years that I haven’t had any serious illnesses. I’d like to have insurance as an option so that I am able to better care for myself and not have to fear getting sick. That is why I’m adamant about universal healthcare. While I may struggle at times to find work that allows me to be flexible, I’d prefer to stay with my current career and have the opportunity to also have benefits. My priority is being able to care for my children, in particular my youngest when she is ill and requires medical treatment.

So that is my dilemma; figuring out how to make life and work and, hopefully, benefits all work out. It really shouldn’t be so hard.

Women and the Fiscal Cliff: Getting Sick Is Not An Option

I mentioned on Tuesday that I hesitated and missed out on making a  couple other points regarding women and the fiscal cliff. On the HuffPost Live segment, host Alicia Menendez asked how this issue effects women and children. Helaine Olen and Joan Entmacher both offered great responses that incorporated the economic effect this has on families and society. I should have chimed in on the personal. For me, getting sick is a terrifying idea. I don’t mean a simple cold. Even the flu doesn’t frighten me quite as much as a disease such as cancer or an accident. If I think too much about it, I’d never sleep at night. The financial, physical, and psychological toll that such an event would have on my children and me is unfathomable. I think it’s a tragedy that in our country single moms cannot find affordable healthcare, and that the few programs that do exist and benefit us are at risk of being cut.

For nearly four years now, I have gone without health insurance. I’ve learned to be proactive in my own health. I was an avid mountain and road biker a couple years ago. It was not only great physical exercise, it was also a great stress-reliever. I had two falls that I thankfully walked away from with only a few bumps and scrapes. However, I took that as a warning and stopped biking. It not only was an activity that put me at additional risk of injury, a major accident from biking would land me in the hospital and with broken bones. I could never afford the medical care required for this. So, I stopped the activity. I have made every attempt to eat and live healthily. I am back to a mostly vegan diet, I don’t exercise like I should but I’m working to get back to that. I don’t smoke and as of the last couple months no longer drink either. I’m doing as much preventative care as possible within my means. However, I know it’s not enough. There are things beyond my control, including a family history of disease from diabetes to heart disease.

I can’t even think, let alone write, too much on the thought of if I got sick. From the medical bills to my not being available to care for my children, our life would be tossed upside down. At the end of the day, I am it for my two daughters. I get a lot of support from my family and my friends; I have no doubt they would once again be there for us. But it is a nightmare to consider the ripple effect this would have on my children’s lives. The bottom line is simply that I cannot get sick. The effect it would have on my children would be devastating. None of us can completely prevent illness, even with the best healthcare. But the difference would be early detection, treatment (as heartbreaking documented in The Education of Dee Dee Ricks), likelihood of survival, and the financial burden I would then have to carry for, most likely, the rest of my life. This clearly would impact my children’s lives, from having enough money to keep a roof over our heads and food in their mouths to the daily stress of them knowing we were financially struggling. Poverty begets poverty. One major illness is all that stands between me and poverty; and far worse to me, is that my kids would then face such a fate.

When Alicia asked me what would I do if Planned Parenthood lost funding, it did cause me to pause. I struggled to come up with an answer, a plan, an alternative, but ultimately, I don’t know what I would do. It’s been my bit peace of mind I’ve carried for the past four years with regard to my health; at the very least, I am being screened for cancer, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. It was startling to imagine losing that. The fact that outside of Planned Parenthood I don’t have regular medical care does frighten me. I worry that perhaps something outside of their scope could be missed. I am hopeful that universal healthcare will kick in and I’ll be able to once again have coverage and be able to seek out medical care when needed, and have equal access to preventative care. It’s disgusting to me that in 2012, in the United States of America, working people cannot afford healthcare. How do we as a country have no shame about this? How do we allow single moms who are working and struggling to raise their children go without healthcare? We need to move forward instead of backwards. I am not a number, I am very real, and I hope our politicians remember that as they navigate the fiscal cliff.

Falling off the cliff…

Last night I saw a tweet on my dash that Sarah Jackson was looking to speak to someone who receives healthcare from Planned Parenthood. I sent her an email and we had a phone discussion last night. I was then booked to appear on this afternoon’s HuffPost Live segment, Women’s Health Cliff. I have never been on camera in my life. Nor do I do any public-speaking. It’s why I write, why I make art, and why I like Twitter. Speaking in front of people has never been something I enjoyed. However, I figured this was for a great cause, and it was simply something I felt I had to do.

I had to scramble a bit to get a webcam that had a decent picture, headphones since my ear buds wouldn’t work on the home PC, and was unable to use my MacBook due to a software issue. So after all the running around to get ready, there I was (embedding currently not working, will try to correct this later).

It’s like nails on a chalkboard for me to watch it myself. I say way too many “ums” and that is something I clearly have to work on. My voice was shaky too. My nerves were quite high for someone sitting in the comfort of her own home. Part of it was the public-speaking bit, the other was being in the presence of some amazing women. The other panel members included journalist Helaine Olen, “New Media Maven” Sandi Bachom, Vice President and Director of Family Economic Security at the NWLC Joan Entmacher, and president of NOW Terry O’Neill. Seriously, look at these women and tell me you wouldn’t be slightly intimidated to be included in a panel beside them. That being said, they were all very kind, I really had no reason to be shy or hesitant. I had a few further points to make which, because of nerves, I did not. I’ll be blogging those later.

Speaking out is something I’ve worked very hard on for the past few years. I am learning to stand up for myself and for others, and to say my piece, no matter how uncomfortable. Even though my nerves felt at times as if I was actually diving off a cliff, this was a great step forward for me in finding and sharing my voice.

Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.”

Maggie Kuhn